And the Moments Drift Like Snow chapter 5

What had started as a lie to cover up a lie was about to become truth. This had to end. For some reason Sano could not even begin to guess at, he’d just made things worse with Saitou in his attempt to gain a little more information. It seemed it really was time to think about things — a lot and alone. Every time he went to either Kenshin or Saitou for answers, the entire mess just became more complicated, more confusing, more painful… to the point where he was hurting not only himself but also his friends in the process.

His initial attempt had been far from successful; in fact he’d fallen asleep. But now it seemed that to try again was the only thing left for him to do, besides being a venture he absolutely had to make — because, of all possible motives, he couldn’t stand to let Saitou suffer any longer. Of course Kenshin was suffering as well, but Saitou was obviously central to this thing and his unhappiness weighed heavier on Sano. What memory he did possess found it ironic that he would be searching for something painful in his soul in order to spare Saitou discomfort, but the recollection of that man’s tone and bearing just now would not leave him.

He was right after all, I guess; it really is up to me in the end. Except now I’m not really doing this for myself, am I? He shook his head and looked around. It was snowing, but the day had yet to fade, and everything under the clouds was a dull sort of glowing grey. I’ll find a place and sit down, and I won’t move until I remember, he told himself determinedly. And a nearby stack of crates in an alleyway between two shops seemed as good a place as any. He settled in against the cold wall, wrapped his arms around his chest, and closed his eyes.

The beginning of this process, at least, he’d been over many times, like fingers run across a sealed wound without nearly enough force to break it open again. The last thing he could remember clearly before the gap was Yumi offering to let them leave without any further battle. Her back was to a huge pair of metal doors, and beyond these, memory dissolved. Picturing himself there with a clarity he would fight to retain, he steeled himself and stepped forward through them as they grudgingly parted with the shriek of unoiled metal. He must not fail this time.

His eyes flew open, wide and trembling, his breaths shortened, as he finally remembered.

It was… terrible… so terrible… This was what Kenshin had sought to protect him from, and with good reason. Misery, humiliation, self-abhorrence, hatred of the entire world… it raged out at him from the depths of his mind that were now becoming less black — cold, clawing, his own weakness and pathos, his abject helplessness, nearly crushing him.

Hands clutched each at the opposite arm as he bowed his head and squeezed his eyes shut once more, gritting his teeth against the recollection of physical sensations so strong he could swear it was happening all over again. Tears seared their way from beneath his eyelids and fell like crystals into his lap, and he bit back an anguished cry as his entire body shook.

No wonder Kenshin had tried so hard to keep him from recovering this. These feelings were worse, he had to think, than death… making his previous attempt at suicide beautifully understandable. He remembered that now as well, remembered the feeling of the sword in his hands and the sweet promise of oblivion.

Saitou’s sword.

No. He absolutely couldn’t allow himself to fall into that oblivion now. Because he hadn’t done this for himself. Of course he’d wanted to remember, but what had finally opened those doors was his concern for Saitou. If he gave in to despair now, it would make the entire effort, maybe his entire existence, meaningless. Saitou blamed himself — Sano remembered now — because he hadn’t arrived in time, because he’d forced the memory on Sano before, because… because Sano himself had told him it was his fault.

This recollection was a blow, if not equal to the one dealt by Shishio, immediately secondary to it. Had he really… had he really said… A trembling hand crept to his cold face, clenched against it, felt the tears pouring. He could hear his own voice screaming, “You might as well have fucking done it yourself!” Yes, it seemed he really had.

He forced himself to his feet, finding his balance badly off but taking to an immediate run nonetheless. The irregular beat of his pounding steps reminded him of the sound of Shishio’s footfalls as he’d approached… to… and how could Sano believe he was fit for anything other than to be thus used, when he’d said things so unforgivable to Saitou… to a man who’d… who’d loved him so completely?

The overfast and terribly painful pounding of his heart almost dragged him to the ground at that moment, the sense of his own worthlessness threatening to devour him whole. But he pressed onward, seeing before him the expression on Saitou’s face from earlier that had probably been a mirror of what his own must be now.

“I need some compensation for all this trouble I’ve taken to entertain you people.”

No, he could not start reliving it here. It would sap his strength and fell him, curl him up again around his once-shattered fists, and he might just die there in the snow. He had to find Saitou. But–

“If you get back on your knees, I’ll let you enjoy it.”

Concentrating on a different memory — the quiet despair in Saitou’s voice as he agreed with Sano’s wild accusation, “Yes, this is my fault” — he kept moving. As he found himself in Saitou’s neighborhood, his speed increased; he could not reach the man’s house quickly enough, and it didn’t matter if he was panting too hard to speak when he got there.

He burst inside without knocking, not even knowing whether he’d broken the door, stumbling and yelling out Saitou’s name. But in none of the rooms he frantically entered was Saitou to be found.

This house… everything here was familiar now — from the angle of every corner to every worn spot on the floor to every last item in every room. He knew it all, because this had been his home, the place he’d spent nearly two years in peace — in peaceful ignorance, at least — with Saitou, the place where he’d been happier than anywhere else he’d ever lived. But for the moment, without Saitou here, he couldn’t stand it.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

No… oh, god, no…

The minor composure he’d built up in the house shattering, he slipped in the growing snow on the walk outside, but caught himself before he could fall; he wasn’t sure he’d be able to rise again if he did. Think of something else! Just for now…

“Are you… I…”


Back in the street, his desperate eyes searched for any sign of the man, but found nothing. There was no way to tell where he might have gone after the fraudulent conversation that — well Sano knew now — must have hurt him so deeply.

“Sano! Sano!”

Only at a third repetition of his name did he realize someone was calling him, and he skidded to a halt. Turning, he found Kenshin at his side looking as if he’d just run to catch up. The rurouni’s eyes were wide and his face extremely worried. “Sano, what is going on? Are you all right?”

“The thing you are missing… the person you are missing… is Saitou.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“Sano, I honestly wish I could say I was. During the last two years, you and Saitou became friends, and you spent a lot of time with him. None of us ever really approved, but…”

“‘Friends?'” Sano whispered, absolutely stunned, as that instance not long after he’d awakened from his ‘illness’ drifted across his mind’s eye. Then a bit louder, “‘Friends?‘”

“Sano, what is wrong?” Kenshin sounded almost desperately concerned.

“Sano, I love you. I have always loved you.”

He understood it all now: the lies from a man he’d thought totally honest, the disapprobation of a friendship that had seemed harmless, the inexplicable and apparently recently-arisen hatred of someone that had never appeared to be more than a rival in combat… the selfishness and glaringly contrasted selflessness of two men that wanted the same thing.

“You absolute bastard,” Sano whispered, rage swelling for the moment above his pain.

Kenshin looked dumbstruck.

“How could you do that to me?” Sano demanded, unable even to raise his voice, so great was the commotion within him. “How could you do that to him? How could you call yourself my friend doing something like that?”

“Sano, do you… did you…”

“Yeah, I remember everything now.” He couldn’t even think of anything more to say to Kenshin; his mind was in too much turmoil, his heart hurting too desperately for much more speech with the man. “I’m just on my way to find Saitou,” he added as he turned away, emphasizing the name almost spitefully.

“Sano!” Kenshin’s voice was harsh, demanding, nearly reminiscent of how he spoke as Battousai. “All that man has ever done is hurt you! If you remember, you should see that! He’s no good for you; if you go back to him now, he’ll–”

Sano had whirled and struck Kenshin in the face with a clenched fist, full force, before he’d even realized what he was doing. Even Kenshin, who saw every blow coming, looked shocked as he staggered back a pace. “Don’t you dare even fucking talk about him,” Sano seethed. “All that man has ever done has been anything and everything that was good for me, unlike some so-called friends or would-be lovers who couldn’t even let me live my own life without trying to play out their own fucking selfish plans.”

Kenshin was absolutely speechless.

“Sano, I love you. I have always loved you.”

“Some love,” Sano growled, disdainful and bitter and utterly crushed, as he turned away again, and the freezing tear tracks on his face doubled as he resumed his run.

Forward movement, after that encounter, was physically difficult; it felt as if he floundered through a waist-deep snow-drift, memory piled upon stinging memory and each demanding to be examined at length.

He remembered Kenshin and Saitou fighting… fighting over him… fighting for his love… a battle that would have been a death-match had Sano not intervened.

He remembered another battle that had been a death-match, on a high and fiery platform on Mt. Hiei, a battle that had taken more than lives.

He remembered every tortured moment of the events just a few months ago, when Saitou had done everything he could to help him, to save him, and had eventually, evidently, given him up for that very purpose.

He remembered falling to the ground onto shattered hands, and Shishio pulling him back up by the hair.

He remembered those rings: how much it had meant to him back then, and that whole glorious day… but the recollection of how happy he’d been only heightened by contrast his current misery.

He remembered Shishio.

He remembered his first confirmation of Saitou’s feelings for him, and what they’d done in that grove… it had been months after Shishio, but still he’d been in so much pain… he’d assumed, back then, that was due to its being his first time, but of course he’d been wrong about everything… Shishio had been there first.

Shishio… Oh, god, he didn’t think he could ever… no, no, never again…

I have to find Saitou! Continually telling himself that was the only thing keeping him going, now not only because of his desperate need to reassure the officer that none of it had been his fault, but also because he feared that, at least until he could get himself together, he might just fall apart without him.

Time seemed to stretch until he could not tell a second from an hour, and his body worked only sluggishly so it felt he moved as slowly as the languidly-falling snow. And his only coherent thought amidst a flaming sea of horrifying images and ghost sensations threatening every moment to overwhelm and destroy him was that he must find Saitou.

And at last, by some miracle of chance or perhaps by the kindness of destiny, he did. The wolf stood very still on a secluded street that ran alongside a little patch of woods. As Sano came to a halt upon sight of him, his blood seemed to start flowing again, and his mind cleared just enough for him to entertain one or two lucid reflections.

Saitou’s figure, his movements, his presence, everything, everything Sano saw and remembered of him, knew about him without having any way of knowing — Sano loved it all. It seemed so natural for him to love him, so nearly primal, he almost couldn’t believe he’d ever forgotten he did. All he wanted now was to be in Saitou’s arms, know he could stay there, to cry out his sorrow until it washed away and have Saitou still with him when it was all over.

But would Saitou forgive him for his deceit? For the pain he’d inflicted in attempting to figure things out, when he could have remembered on his own without that kind of duplicity? Could Saitou still love him, after putting up with months of indifference and carelessness?

It didn’t matter. There were things Sano had to say, regardless of their future together.

“Saitou!” he hailed him, nearly too breathless to form the call. Likewise was his body nearly too exhausted to finish the run to the other man, and he stumbled as he approached.

Saitou, though apparently surprised as he turned toward Sano’s voice, stepped forward and caught him quick as lightning, looking in horror at Sano’s tear-stained face and desperate eyes. “Sano, what’s…”

Regaining his balance, Sano did not step back, but clutched at Saitou’s arms and gasped out, “Saitou, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… it was all a lie… Kenshin never told me anything. I was just trying to get you to talk. I’m sorry.”

The older man’s eyes widened a fraction, and then he frowned. “I told you that you–” he began, apparently with some difficulty.

“But I couldn’t stand it bothering you so much,” Sano interrupted him, plunging on wildly with his explanation, “so I took your advice and forced myself to remember… so I could tell you… make sure you know… that I really don’t blame you… really.” After that, the words just came pouring out; he had to make sure Saitou understood; it was simply imperative. “I know I said I did, but I wasn’t thinking straight; you know I wasn’t thinking straight; you said so yourself, that I wouldn’t have tried suicide if I hadn’t remembered it all at once. I wouldn’t have said any of those horrible things… I would never have fucking hit you. You can’t blame yourself; there was no way you could have known what kind of thing I was repressing… you needed me to remember, and I needed to remember, and I need to remember now and you…” His tone was more desperate than he recalled allowing it to become. “I’m sorry if I sound like a complete idiot, but just… just tell me you’ll stop blaming yourself.”

Saitou was staring at him wordlessly, but his expression now was less inscrutable than it had been in months: he was clearly heartbroken, and at last Sano knew why. And imagining what Saitou must have been going through since their separation… no, he couldn’t even begin to imagine it. But at last he understood the man’s face.

“Please,” he said, very seriously. “It’s the only thing about this I won’t be able to deal with, if you keep thinking it was your fault.”

“You’re… sure you’re remembering what happened to you accurately?” Saitou finally asked with forced calm.

“Yes, I am,” replied Sano. “Don’t worry about that; I’m handling it.”

“You seem to be handling it… very well.” Saitou really couldn’t be blamed for mistrusting Sano this time, but that didn’t make things any less strange and awkward.

“I remember every fucking detail,” Sano insisted. “Do you want me to describe it? He told Houji to take Yumi inside and–”

“All right,” Saitou cut him off, harsh and quiet. “You don’t have to. And you’re… all right?”

“No. Nobody’s all right who gets raped, least not for a while,” Sano answered bluntly. “I feel like crawling into a hole and rotting. But right now it’s more important to me to make sure you don’t feel like any of this is your fault when you’re the only one who was actually looking out for me all along.”

Saitou let his eyes fall shut and nodded slowly, as if finally accepting what Sano was trying to get through to him. But the expression he was still fighting off, that tortured restraint, was just too much for Sano. The younger man’s breath caught as he began, “And– and if you– if you still love me, I–”

There was a half-second’s flash of gold from which every minute shred of restraint had fled as Saitou’s eyes opened, and then Sano was… whole again… held tightly against the man he loved in a heated, possessive, almost crushing embrace that shattered any doubts he might have that everything would, someday, be all right.

“Ahou,” Saitou was growling into his ear. “The moment I stop loving you, I’ll cease to exist.”

Sano buried his face in Saitou’s chest, choking out something he thought might have been an apology before the sobs tore all words from him.

And as the sun set completely and frigid night fell, the healing of two fragmented hearts, reunited in the silent, drifting snow, slowly began.

Previous (Chapter 4) | Chapter Index

This story’s not terrible. Good enough, at least for now, that I keep its abysmal predecessor around so this one can be read properly. You never know when that may change, though.

I’ve rated this story . What do you think of it?

I had at one point started writing the scene where Saitou tells Chou what’s going on. It turned out not to fit in the story, and never got finished, but I think it’s interesting enough that I’m including it here. I just adore Saitou and Chou as friends.

“What? What?! I thought that guy was tori-atama’s friend! I’d fucking kill someone who did that to me!”

“If you knew he had.”

“Well, you’re gonna tell him, right?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“What do you mean you don’t know yet?! You’re not gonna fucking let Battousai win, are you?”

“It isn’t about him. It’s about what’s best for Sano.”

“How the fuck is that good for him?! How can you be so calm about this?”

“The only reason I brought this up is to let you know that you need to keep out of it.”

“But… but this really pisses me off! It’s a fucking dirty trick! It ain’t right! Don’t just stand there and tell me not to get involved!”

“Do you remember what Sano thought of you in that jail cell in Kyoto two years ago?”

“He didn’t like me much…”

“Well, that’s probably all he remembers of you now. You’re not his friend anymore.”

“But I’m fucking still yours! This… this seriously pisses me the fuck off!”

Also, two bonus versions of the figures from the title pictures:

26 thoughts on “And the Moments Drift Like Snow chapter 5

  1. How will I put that ?
    Pleasure ?
    Total heaven ?
    Trying to get my boss away to read through all in the afternoon ?
    I was really surprised to see you’ve written a sequel to this fic and it was…. God…
    I love them ^^

    THANK YOU !!!!!

  2. I wasn’t expecting it to be so short — not that that’s a bad thing, tho; I was probably just anxious for longer and more torment, eheh-heh. XD Poor Kenshin. *pats the little man* Don’t worry, hunny, you still got Kaoru. :P

    I’m truly glad you wrote this, because as much as I love ‘As the Years…’ (it’s one of my absolute favorite SxS fics after all) I can’t help feeling a bit empty every time I reread it with that sort of hanging resolution, you know? And I thought this was truly wonderful. I loved Saitou’s thought processes, aww, driving himself crazy and all that, the poor wolf — as well as that last scene, especially that bit where Sano pours all his heart out and also when Saitou holds him tight to himself. Sigh.

    1. Yeah, I was expecting it to turn out as long as or longer than the first one, but instead it’s seven pages shorter. *shrugs* Whatever. Glad you liked it ^__^

  3. Aaaahh… That’s a ‘good fic’ sigh right there. I’m so glad you wrote the sequel; I’ve always been wondering how it would all play out since there’s no way in hell it could just end like that. Come on, something’s gotta give, right? You rock my socks ^_^

    I dislike Kenshin a little bit more now. *snarls*

    1. Ah, I hated this Kenshin. I have no idea how I managed to write him the way I did in the first story! It felt so good for him to get what he deserved! Well, glad you liked. ^__^

  4. omg.

    I’m so happy you wrote this! I absolutely LOVED ‘As The Years Go Up In Smoke’ and it was sooooo nice to have that storyline come to a happy-end. you RAWK faery!

  5. you are goooood.

    I stumbled into your website approximately two years ago, because I had just started to like Aoshi/Soujirou, and you wrote some very entertaining fics about them.

    And then I got into Saitou/Sano, because you are so darn good at what you do. Which is write, in my humble opinion.

    I’ve written AoshiSou since first visiting your site. Fluffy pieces, mostly unposted. I’ve been working on some SaiSa, and I’ve been to the fansite, and it’s really good.

    If you know of any other AoshiSou websites or writers, could you please just leave a message at my lj? Thanks. Only if you have time. I wouldn’t want to be a disturbance.

    Thank you again.

    1. Well, I’m glad I could bring you to the love that is Saitou/Sano. They will forever be my favorite item ^__^ And I’m glad you like my fics!!

      Aoshi/Soujirou has a terribly small fanbase, unfortunately. Have you been to Blue Eyes? That site has or links to practically all the AoSou in existence, which isn’t much. There’s also a livejournal community with few members and fewer posts. I suppose I should crusade harder, considering how much I like them… get moving on the stuff I’ve got planned/in progress.

      I dunno if you will see this; you seem to be new to lj, so mayhap you don’t have comment emails turned on. Reply if you do so I’ll know; if you don’t reply within a few days I’ll repost this in your personal lj.

      1. about your faerytalk reply

        oh, thank you so much for replying!I’m checking out the lj community as i type this, and i’m slightly saddened by the lack of AoshiSou.

        Please continue to write more SaiSa (and especially AoshiSou!) because your stories always have well-thought-out plots and characters (even for the none alternate universes).

        My fave story of your would probably be Inhibitions of the Age/s. Second is Princess of the Mists or Irresolute (despite some of the pairings).

        Thanks again for replying, even though I’m a total lj noob.


        1. Well, thank you for commenting in the first place! I’m not quite the review-whore I once was, but I sure do love feedback. And thank you for your nice compliments ^__^

          Yeah, the lack of AoSou in general is quite depressing. How can the world not see how very well they go together?? Ah, well… it just means I need to work harder on mine.

          So, just out of curiosity, which pairings don’t you like? I’m madly in love wis variety, and though I gravitate toward Saitou/Sano because I like them best, there are very few pairings I don’t like, and I love trying new things.

          1. my pairings

            well, i’m primarily a slash shipper, and i only ship three canon het pairings: shishio/yumi, kenshin/kaoru and yahiko/tsubame. i used to love aoshi/misao, i was a very loyal and enthusiastic fangirl, but then i stumbled into april-san’s ‘aoi kaze’ and fell in love. it was one of the sweetest fics i had ever read up to that point. so i don’t like aoshi/misao. not anymore.

            mostly, i have two favorite pairings in the rurouni kenshin fandom: SaiSa and AoshiSou. I don’t like it if others come in and mess with those two [pairings]. everyone else can be matched up with whoever the writer wants, as long as he/she makes them feel natural, not forced. that’s why i liked irresolute, because Kamatari and Katsuhiro never meet in canon, and yet you made them feel like if they had met, they would have had more than just a fleeting chance with one another. for me, if a story is well-written, it doesn’t matter what the pairing is. like you said, i just gravitate to those two pairings becayse they’re the ones i like best.

            do you support fandoms other than rurouni kenshin?

            1. Ah, see, you’re treading rant territory here, because neither Yahiko/Tsubame nor Aoshi/Misao is a canon couple, whatever your state of support for them is! But that’s a whole different discussion XD

              Shishio/Yumi is a delightful pairing. Hell, they gave us the only canon kiss, which in itself is a strong recommendation! And the fucked-up devotion between them is really quite delightful.

              Kenshin/Kaoru is almost a non-thing for me, much like Kaoru herself. Her character is so poorly developed, and so trite in what development she does have, that I feel absolutely no spark of interest in her or (generally) pairing her wis anyone.

              I’ve never been a big fan of Aoshi/Misao because very few authors can make it work. They’re an unlikely pairing, and it takes some doing to get them together… most authors don’t try hard enough, and it just doesn’t make sense.

              Of course I adore my Saitou/Sano and Aoshi/Soujirou, but, as I said, I’m a huge fan of variety and tend to write any pairing I feel like writing… still, Saitou usually doesn’t show up in a story where I’ve paired Sano with someone else, and vise versa, because I find it a little disturbing :D I agree wis you on the well-written thing, and take it so far as to state that as long as it’s written well and the characters are in character, I’m fine wis any pairing. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be all gung-ho about the story, though, if it’s about a character or characters who leave me relatively uninspired… like Kaoru… or Enishi…

              As far as other fandoms… I’m a terribly negligent fanfiction reader, and pretty much only read stories when I have a sudden craving for a particular pairing or if someone who’s a close friend of mine wrote it. There are several other anime (and a few non-anime) series that I enjoy quite a bit (though RK is obviously my favorite), and sometimes the urge will take me and I’ll go read something from one of them.

  6. wow!! i REALLY love your previous story, and when i saw that there’s a sequel to it, i definitely can’t miss it!

    it’s a great story, one of my favourites. cuuute cute cute cuuute!!

    maaan, really…
    you should keep on writing! there’s a lot of saisa-thirsty maniacs out there waiting for a great piece of work like yours…

    1. Sankyuu, anonymous person! ^__^ No, no, I don’t plan on quitting the Saitou/Sano scene any time soon! I adore them wis all my heart. I’m glad you liked my story!!!!

  7. And the Moments Drift Like Snow

    Great story!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait to read chapter 6 so keep on writing and UPDATE SOON.

  8. In case I don’t say it enough, I love your writing! Your descriptions are very vivid and I can picture everything in my mind easily.

    Ah love the angst, and definitely delighted with the happy ending.

    Off to the next fic!

    1. Once again, I’m very glad you liked and grateful for the comment ^__^ I’m particularly glad you liked the angst followed by the (relatively) happy ending. Thanks!

  9. YES. I WAS HOPING that Sano would tell Kenshin off and he did!! Like I get everyone was just trying to protect him and shit, but I really, really hated how Kenshin was treating him. It came from a place of what Kenshin thought was love but it just was downright manipulative in the end. Saito, on the other hand, just encouraged Sano to remember if he really wanted to.

    I think what affected me most was when Sano sat down to piece the past together not for himself, but for Saito’s sake. And when he recalled it all, he felt the need to find him immediately and comfort him despite that Sano himself was the one to suffer so much.

    Anyway, I’m so glad they wound up together again and now they can both work on healing. <3333 Thank you!

  10. I find Sano’s punch to Kenshin’s face very satisfying for exactly the reasons you mentioned. This is my only story where Kenshin is the villain, and I find he fits the bill surprisingly well.

    And, yes! You mentioned another of the things I like about this ambivalent story: that Sano was strong for Saitou’s sake even when he was suffering horribly himself. I like the idea that love makes you stronger, and that together people can overcome things they might not be able to alone.

    Thank you so much for reading, and for all your kind words. I obviously have some very mixed feelings about these two stories, and though, as I’ve said, I don’t hate them enough to take them down… yet… I was kinda holding my breath when you started reading the first one ’cause I was like, Ugh, those two are awful (or at least the first one is); what are they going to think? So I’m happy and relieved you got through them without injury and even managed to enjoy at least some parts. Again, if someone likes them, that helps to keep me liking them a little too. I guess they can stick around another day XD

    Seriously, thanks again.

    1. Friendo, there was no injury at all. I knew the first story was an early work. (You shoulda seen the shit I was writing back then. lol) But yeah!! The drama in this one, especially in this last chapter, appealed to me greatly. Sano emotionally running toward Saito is what good dreams are made of. ^___^ <3333

      1. Even this second one is an early work, but, yeah, some of its drama is pretty good stuff XD Still pleased and relieved that you could enjoy them… and also, now, the worst is over! I’ve got a couple more embarrassing stories around this place, but you’ve made it through the one I like least, so I feel better about life now XD Thanks again!

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