Dear Fiddychan,

I finally watched it. My grandma sent it to my mom saying she had to see it. It was just as you described… completely, perfectly, incandescently retarded. Worst rendition ever. Quite painful, really. I retract any wish I ever made that they’d done a different book instead… better for them to work out their interpretive spasms on something that already has a decent movie version. God.

OK, done now.