Of course I knew that already. Here’s today’s nonsense:

Hi attractive 28 Male and 19 female in Salida, looking for BI or curious girl who would like to have fun with a straight couple, I like your PICS, your hott you sound like a nice girl, read my profile and tell me what you think. please write back only if your serious about meeting. thanks

Brian

Dear Brian –

“I like your PICS, your hott,” you say.

I like that. Maybe you’re a fetish person? Well, no, I doubt it. I think it’s more likely that you didn’t actually look at my pictures and realize that my face and figure are not present in any of them.

“You sound like a nice girl,” you say.

I’m glad you could divine that much about me. My profile page certainly conveys this, albeit subtly; I’m glad you are among the few penetrating readers who have been able to recognize it.

“Read my profile and tell me what you think,” you request.

I don’t need to read your profile to tell you what I think. And you don’t really need most of my reactions anyway. Actually, I’d be shocked to know you’d made it this far into my message. The foremost of my thoughts, however, is this: go back to elementary school and learn how to construct a basic sentence. If you’re going to continue attempting to write in English, that is.

“Write back only if your serious about meeting,” you say.

What, are you trying to warn me off? Telling me I’d better not DARE to write back if I don’t want to meet you? Do you think I’m going to take that seriously when you obviously didn’t even spare a moment’s glance at my bio where I specifically discourage this type of solicitation in the first place? Didn’t bother to look at my pictures, which display a hand and a foot, before calling me “hott?” Couldn’t even skim my interests and other information to see that it’s clearly 100% nonsense before telling me I “sound like a nice girl?”

Well, I’ll return that consideration and care and tell you (or at least imply) where you may freely put your mass mailings in the future.

–this faery