So today Lexie bought me McDonald’s foods. They were so delicious, and made me twelve million happy. However, I haven’t had any caffeine or greasy McDonald’s foods for a while, and they wreaked havoc on my insides. About half an hour after having devoured all of it, I needed a trip to the bathroom like nothing else. Just then I got a call. The guy’s battery was dying very rapidly after every time he charged it, and he was wondering how to get a new one. I explained that batteries are so expensive he might as well just look for a new phone, and mentioned some sales we had going on, all the time needing more and more to go take a shit. The guy was asking questions about how to get a new phone, and I started wiggling in my chair. He wanted retail locations, so I looked some of those up for him; then he wanted addresses and phone numbers for some of the stores.

Now, this was the kind of bowel movement that involved a lot of gas… you know, where suddenly you feel like you’ve bloated up with about thirty pounds of… something… in your abdomen, and you can’t tell whether what’s going to come out is solid or not? So I’m squirming trying to release gas and nothing else giving this moron addresses and phone numbers, and he keeps asking questions. It’s actually getting painful, and I’m imagining what the results would be if I crapped my pants so close to the beginning of my shift. It’s not really something I like to think about. Then he starts asking me about the features of all our fucking phones. I’m about ready to kill or die or both. Finally he falls silent for a moment, and I jump on the opportunity.

“Anything else I can help you with today?” I ask in that hang-the-fuck-up tone.

“I’m trying to think of something else,” he says. What? Does this sound to anyone besides me like he was looking for excuses to stay on the line?? Sure, I have a sexy voice, but honestly. And it can’t have been because it sounded like I was in a hurry to go, because I didn’t. I am the shit (if you’ll pardon the pun) at being professional on information calls.

So before he can ‘think of something else,’ I say, “Well, if you need any other information, feel free to check out our website at; also I’m sure when you visit that Target they’ll be able to answer any questions you have. Thanks for calling Virgin Mobile; have a good day!” and hung up.

It was a TWENTY MINUTE CALL discussing absolutely nothing while my insides were threatening to explode. You can believe I was in the bathroom in about 0.5 seconds.

Afterwards it was very amusing.