So at work, we raise our hands and wait when we need a supervisor for anything. They walk around looking for raised hands. Lately we’ve been really low on floor support, and it’s not unusual to have someone at Command Center make a P.A. announcement that we need all sup.’s up and walking the floor. Well, a while back, the announcement went as follows: “I need all sup.’s and E.S.’s up and providing floor coverage… I’m seeing a lot of hands… there’s a… flower in the air… Again, I need all sup.’s and E.S.’s up and providing floor coverage…” Of course everyone looked around at this; somebody was indeed waving this giant stuffed flower around in the air trying to get a sup. over. I don’t know why it was so funny… just the way the guy at Command said it, I guess.

Oh, the Play-Doh! I totally forgot to record this! OK, so, I was activating someone’s phone, and throughout the entire thing I could hear her leetle daughter in the background being adorable. And at one point the daughter apparently comes up to the mom and says, “Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!” over and over again. The mom keeps telling her, “Honey, I’m on the phone; take it to daddy.” And finally she’s like, “Sam, pretend to eat her Play-Doh for a minute.” I laughed so hard.

Recently I asked a customer for her phone number and she said, “The phone number to the phone?” I wanted to say, “No, ma’am, the phone number to your ass.”

There was a pop-up on all our screens saying, “If you have found any keys, please turn them into security.” I thought we had enough security without having to transform our keys.

Somebody called the hourglass a “water glass.” Does it ever occur to people to wonder why the phone would display a picture of whatever odd thing they think the hourglass is? I mean, what would a water glass on a cell phone display signify? “Please don’t drop me in your drink?” Or a suicidal desire to be dropped into the customer’s drink rather than continue having to put up with said customer?

After a couple of weeks of back-to-back calls, we’ve slowed down like mad. Yesterday we were incredibly un-busy, the type of un-busy where they usually offer VTO at about 10, but for some reason they never offered it. This was actually a very good thing, because, while it was slow enough that I got plenty of writing done between calls, it forced me to work the whole shift. Productivity + money. Today we were even slower. At one point my computer started to go to sleep because it had been so long since my last call.

And then this conspiracy theorist calls. She thinks somebody’s coming into her home and using her home phone, or tapping her home phone, or linking her home phone to somebody’s Virgin Mobile phone. She doesn’t have a cell phone, and there is some kind of fraud going on. Why did we call her? Why did we leave her a message saying her phone had been shut off because she hadn’t added money to it? Why did we say that we were calling in regard to a cell phone number that isn’t hers? What kind of identity theft is this? She needs to talk to a supervisor, because she’s filed a police report.

I explained that we ask all our customers for an alternate contact or home phone number, and that sometimes those don’t get entered correctly; that somebody probably listed her home phone by mistake as their alternate contact number — a typo or something. We could easily remove her number from the system, into which it had doubtless been entered erroneously, and she would never be bothered about a cell phone that wasn’t hers again.

But, no, no, no, no, no, that wouldn’t do. We couldn’t delete anything until she’d talked to the police. She needed all the information about the person who had her number. This was so not legal. Her home phone wasn’t working. Somebody was stealing her identity. She needed to talk to a supervisor.

Obviously there’s nothing to do in a situation like that but summon the supervisor and let her deal wis the crazy woman. But then just as I raised my hand, up pops the notice that there is VTO available. So I got to watch while twelve million people ran up to Command Center and used up all the VTO while I was standing there wis all the blood draining from my airborne hand waiting for a supervisor to come take the most useless, pointless escalation in history. I was so irritated.

Fortunately, I got VTO about an hour later anyway. But seriously, this lady was freaking annoying.