This old man came in yesterday and asked, “Do you know where you have English muffins?”

“Over here somewhere,” said I cheerfully as I came to join him in the expansive bread area on the other side of the counter. “Let’s see if we can find them.” I didn’t know exactly where they were, but working at a grocery store you develop the ability to find things quickly, so I walked right to them. “Here they are,” I said, touching one of the packages. “Looks like we’ve got a couple of different options: original, sourdough, and whole wheat.” They looked pretty good, too, but that may just have been because I hadn’t eaten.

The old man looked disdainful. “I thought of those more as bagels,” he said.

Not really having any idea what he meant, I laughed and made some comment about the packaging, asked if I could help him find anything else, and bade him good evening. A few minutes later I saw him leaving the store empty-handed.

What was wrong wis the perfectly normal and clearly-labeled English muffins? Were they too bagely for him? Perhaps he’s under some sort of curse where all English muffins appear to be bagels in his eyes. Or did he think perhaps I was wrong about them and what they were? Maybe my initial ignorance of their precise location threw him off balance. Perhaps he realized he wasn’t in the mood for bagels English muffins after all?

The world may never know.


1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Colon, maybe? Anyway, the one on my right hand was from my very first day at McDonald’s when a giant glob of grease dropped onto my hand.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Scrolls, a calendar, and a dry-erase board.
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I snore, though I can’t say how often or how loudly for obvious reasons.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
What I feel like.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Nope
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
One zomb.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Paradise.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
Tokio!
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5’4″, I think
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Not really.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Depends on where in the dark.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Dunno.
13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
That nobody really likes me.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I am utterly indifferent.
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
Say what, now? Uh… at Wal-Mart.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Definitely energy drink.
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pineapple.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A delicious samich of turkey and cheddar.
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
*cue the usual black-is-not-a-color speech*
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
WTF?
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
How the hell should I remember that????
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
YETH SO MUCH ZOMG.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No.
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Wot.
25. FAVORITE ANIMAL?
TOKIO.
26. LIKE TO SING?
Yeth.
27. FAVORITE MOVIE?
The Princess and the Pauper, Serenity, and Clue
28. GAY, STRAIGHT OR BI?
Bibibibibibibibibibibi.
29. HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Death Knighty.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
TELVE.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Wot.
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
“Beaded collars!” (Actually that’s just what came to mind just now.)
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
Here.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Just the once.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Laaaaazzzzzyyyyyyy.
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Probably not.
37. FIRST JOB?
McDonald’s.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Wot.
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
No.
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Looking at it on someone else’s journal.
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
Yeth!
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
How badass I am. I mean, I dunno.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
Yeth. Ortho ftw!
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My birthday has passed already.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
Bunches. Names I like are Pike, Jade, Ramses, and I forget what else.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nonner.
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
The fact that they are the opposite sex.
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
Uh…
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Soapy kind.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Da ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Tomato/herb turkey *____*
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
It’d be easier just to name the good ones XD
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Not really.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I would be girlfriends wis me.
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
Do I “agree with” it? Uh…
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Matter in what?
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Bitching at someone, usually.
58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
What percentage of people that are likely to take this survey would say they would rather gain than lose 58 pounds, do you think? I’d be willing to bet it’s a pretty small percentage.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I don’t remember. “As a child” is a pretty large period of time, too.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Not many.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Barney wasn’t around when I was a little kid. I was a fan of it as a freshman in high school, though.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Never.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Yes, please!
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Arts.
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Funnel.
67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Dunno. Probably flight.
68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Dunno.
69. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
I dun have any of thems.
70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Cookies and cream!
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
No, they are all gone.
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
Yeth.
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
WoW and drawing.
74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
In a nice condo wis my cat ^__^
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
YETH EVERYONE RIGHT NOW
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Nothing yet.
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
I am drinking DP this very moment.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I don’t remember.
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
What they look like, usually.
80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Long-ass surveys.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Peter Jackson.
82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
Yeth!
83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Dunno. Chocolate-something.
84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Yeth.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Right now it’s auburn at top and black at bottom and natural brown at the roots.
86. EYE COLOR?
Greem srab.
87. SHOE SIZE?
Wot.
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Chipotle.
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Chipotle, probably.
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
No.
91. WATCH TV TODAY?
No.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
No.
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
I gave up piano at around 16 because I freaking hated it.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
No.
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Mmm, yeth.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Wot.
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Cherry pie!
98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
Sure.
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Guardian of the Horizon