Evidently my last post on this subject came across as me whining about the ex-girlfriend-marrying-some-dude thing; this was a false impression that I didn’t mean to give. I’m not jealous of her new relationship, or pining romantically, or sad because I’m single, or anything like that. I am still a little in love with her, but I think that’s inevitable when you and your love interest decide just to be friends and it actually works. But I’m not unhappy to be single, I promise. I enjoy having romantic relationships, but I also enjoy cherry pies: they’re great, but I can get along without them.
What I am unhappy about, and what’s going to be a lot more difficult to deal with than not having a cherry pie, is that my best friend is leaving. I’m going to try to enumerate some of the feelings I have on this subject as I was unable to do in my last post. We’ll see how long it takes me to type out this one. (Answer: like, four days)
A big huge factor in my distress about this — actually, probably the biggest factor — is my writing. (I mentioned that my reasons for not wanting her to go are pretty well all selfish, right? Yeah.) Let’s just look at some numbers here. The total wordcount of the Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction in my archive (excluding the story I started after I met ZG in mid-2009) is 687,137, and this represents about eleven years. That’s 62,467 words a year. On the other hand, the Gundam Wing fanfiction in my archive (excluding the story I wrote before I met ZG) weighs in at 399,676 words. That’s 159,870 words a year.
This is not a terribly precise set of numbers, since there are several factors I’m completely ignoring because I’m lazy… but it still seems pretty clear that I’ve been writing more than twice as much since I met her. I’ve doubled my productivity in the area that makes me happiest, the thing my life pretty well revolves around, because of this person.
She’s just so amazingly supportive and patient. She’s always ready to listen to story ideas and story talk and story story story forrrrevvaaar. And not just listen… she’ll discuss ideas with me and get excited about them and speculate and question and interpret, which helps me with every single aspect of the creative process. Nobody else in my life has ever been this supportive and inspiring. Did I mention that my productivity doubled? I don’t fear that I won’t be able to write at all without her, but I do fear that it’s going to be like coming down off a long, beautiful high, and Poe knows what the withdrawal’s going to be like.
Then of course there’s just the standard my-friend-is-leaving stuff. She’s always coming into town to do errands (nobody runs errands like Zombie Girl; seriously, she’ll have, like, ten of them to run, like, three times a week). So I put off my own errands (far fewer and less crucial than hers) until I see her so we can do them together. So we spend a lot of time just going all around town together and talking about everything (not just my stories, I promise XD)
And we watch stuff. Re-watching series is always better with someone else, especially if that someone else has never seen it before. We’re watching AtLA right now and squeeing over how freaking awesome it is; we’re following Once Upon a Time together, more or less; we’re catching her up on the better MLPFiM episodes. We had massive amounts of fun with SKU, and she introduced me to Terminator movies and Alien movies and Predator movies, and I forget what-all else. And we talk about all of it.
She introduced me to Discworld, and, hey, guess what; we talk about of that too. She can’t usually make it through any book I recommend, but she’ll let me tell her about them and then we discuss them. She gets an ongoing Amelia update every time I reread that series, and she’s perfectly willing to discuss it with me as far as she understands the characters and stuff.
She and I really click as far as attitudes and morals and beliefs. Even when we disagree on things, we tend to have the same types of opinions, so we’re able to have fantastic conversations about practically anything. And I don’t have that with anyone else. She promises me we’ll talk on Skype, but that is not going to be the same. I always have a list of things I’ve encountered since the last time I saw her that I want to talk to her about, and I’m afraid that list will get to be a little too long, between Skype conversations, to be able actually to discuss it all.
Oh, and she understands my family situation fairly well. She’s a little harder on my mom than she needs to be, but she understands the oppressive atmosphere I feel like I’m living in at home. Her understanding and sympathy make it a million times easier to put up with that, and it is inexpressibly wonderful to have someone on the same page I am, as far as social issues, to talk to when my mom makes some comment like, “Well, I’m not offended by someone wishing me a happy Hanukkah; why should anyone be offended if I want to say ‘Merry Christmas?'”
And I’m worried that the move won’t make her any happier. I think too many people count on a move (count exclusively on a move) to change more than just their physical location; I know sometimes it can be just what someone needs to kickstart a change in their life, but I’ve seen that fail before… I’m worried that she’ll get to England and find not only that people are people and life is life all over the world, but that she’s brought with her many of the things that have made her unhappy in the past. And as I mentioned before, if she turns out to be just as discontent in England as she has been here, if this move of hers takes her away from me and fails to achieve its desired result, I will be very upset.
I’m actually a little relieved that she and this guy of hers are going to try for a relationship. If she were moving out there solely to be with him, I’d be freaking out with worry, since that would seem extremely stupid. Moving just for a change of scene and to get out of the U.S. doesn’t strike me as something that’s going to be terribly effective either. That she now has these two different big reasons to be going there eases my mind, since even if one fails she can still fall back on the other. Hopefully.
I think that’s all for now; at least that covers most of the important points. Now maybe I can stop whining about this and write a real entry about other stuff.