Recently, I was playing ACNH when the account used by all my nephews and niece invited me to play Apex Legends. Of course I had no idea which nephew or niece it was, but I was amenable to playing with them. I knew nothing about the game, but when I looked into it, I found it was a free download. So I set it to downloading, which took, like, five hours. Then when I went to take a look, it told me I needed to create an EA account to play, which I didn’t feel like doing at that time.

Some days later, though (yesterday, in fact), I did get around to creating that account and playing the tutorial level of this FPS. And I could be wrong, but I think FPS is the type of game I’m worst at of aaalllll types of games, and I am not handy at video games in general. I came out of the tutorial with a (n already failing) concept of what the buttons did, no clear idea how to play the game for real, and barely the ability to shoot unmoving targets. So of course I jumped right into an arena battle(?) with one of my sister’s children and some other teammate that seemed to suck as much as I did.

So here I am, having lost track of nephew’s character almost immediately, running unarmed around this map trying futilely to find any supplies, and the first other character I encounter practically instakills me. I get revived, and someone is camping the revive spot and instakills me again. Our team is wiped out with zero kills or damage from any of us. I never even located a weapon.

So then I hit the button to join nephew again in whatever he’s up to, and end up back at the shooting range (familiar from the tutorial) with him and that same other person. So I think, Oh, this is cool; we can just run around and shoot targets. That’s a good way to play together without dying. But no. Nephew and the other person keep turning on and off the “friendly fire” setting — which of course is intended to heighten the difficulty of shooting targets by making it possible to accidentally shoot your teammates at the same time, but which these two use as a same-team PvP setting in order to deliberately shoot their teammates. Whenever nephew and I weren’t busy humorously crouching and/or jumping while facing each other, he was turning friendly fire back on and trying to kill me. And almost always succeeding. And I’m sitting here like, What wholesome entertainment.

Later yesterday evening, sister pops up on Skype with, I hear you played with Malachi and Killian today, and they killed you a lot. They thought it was the greatest thing ever but I figured you probably didn’t think so particularly. I assured her that I enjoyed thinking they enjoyed it. He does like to turn on friendly fire and kill his teammates though, she informed me. You can always bet it’s Malachi if that happens. Then the best part: Malachi even prayed about it. It was the only thank you he thought of during family prayer. Which is so hilariously in-character for Malachi XD XD XD

So that’s the story of Aunt Robin sucking at FPS’s and Nephew Malachi saying weird things to God. I just had to make note of it.

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