20 days ’til I turn 39!
I’m actually only making this entry to describe the funny dream I recently woke up from, but since I am making it, I might as well talk about what’s going on while I’m at it. I’ll get to the dream in a minute here.
So last week (to coincide wonderfully with my deep sadness in regard to the decision I made), I was experiencing abdominal pain. Because I have multiple conditions that give me abdominal pain on a regular basis, I didn’t pay much attention, but I did notice it was getting worse. Eventually, on Friday, it had gotten bad enough (and had been increasing consistently enough) to give me some concern. So I went to the doctor, who referred me to a hospital for ultrasounds. And it turns out I have gall bladder stones and need to have the whole silly thing removed.
The doctor’s referral office set me up an appointment for today with a surgeon, and Friday to Wednesday seemed like a long time to wait — especially when they warned me very carefully what symptoms should send me to the emergency room over the weekend — but whatevs. I would wait. However, I wasn’t aware until Monday that I’d been misled by ‘appointment with a surgeon,’ and that this is just a consultation. I have no idea, as yet, when I can actually have this surgery, and an unknown period seems like an even longer time to wait. Because meanwhile, the pain continues to increase, and has with it that general feeling of ill health I hate so much and some nausea on the side, not to mention a lot of emotional distress that may have something to do with last week’s decision as well.
So I’m in too much pain to go to work, but not enough pain (yet) to go to the emergency room. I’m losing money every day, I don’t know how long this will continue, and Poe only knows how much I’m going to be out for the consultation visit (typically my specialist copay is $75) and the surgery itself (last year’s mass removal with no more than a local anesthetic ran me $500). I already had to pay $150 for the doctor’s appointment and the ultrasounds on Friday. Fucking gall bladder. I’m literally selling stocks in preparation for the next however long. AND MEANWHILE I’M STILL IN PAIN.
I was in no frame of mind to get any writing done over the weekend, though yesterday I wrote, like, four sentences on BC 22 (itself part of an entirely different emotional kettle of fish or maybe kettle of emotional fish). I’ve been working on my current RPG Maker project and a picture of two dogs, and watching a lot of Superman: The Animated Series. Just killing time, basically, until I can get this small and expensive bonfire removed from my side.
OK, but what I really came for. I had this dream:
These two minor gods were in some kind of trouble, and I was trying to get them out of it. But it was beyond my power, so I went to Loki for help — knowing full well it was a bad idea, but she was the only god I could actually communicate with. I explained the situation and asked if she would lend a hand.
As Loki replied, images appeared behind her as if she were running a slide show in the background illustrating everything she had to say. “I could help these two minor gods,” she said. “We could do such-and-such, and then talk to so-and-so, and get them out of their jam.” And the slide show demonstrated these potential actions.
“Or…” she went on with a smirk, “I could turn them in for a bounty, and that would piss off…” And the slide show started scrolling rapidly through the images of every god in multiple pantheons, line after line after line of them, presumably listing all the many people who would be pissed off by Loki’s choice to betray these two minor gods. And it was pretty clear which option she was going to take.
The slide show thing and Loki’s smartassedness was so funny that I even laughed in the dream despite the situation having been made worse by my choice to go to her for help. I find it so funny in waking life that I had to write it down even though I haven’t logged a dream in a very long time.
And now back to my regularly scheduled suffering.
Edit: I have surgery scheduled for tomorrow morning. I’m so relieved to get it scheduled so soon, I haven’t been able to stop crying.
The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to remember to start my birthday countdown. It should have started on July 27th this year! Right now I’m putting an entry on the calendar for July 26th of next year so I won’t forget again! Because this shit is important, yo.
Anyway, today it is 29 days until I turn 37. In unrelated news, I got bitten three or four times by a 130lb great Dane named Ludvig last week.
Although the neurologist referred me to yet another clinic for some radiographs trying to determine exactly what’s wrong with my hands/wrists, I haven’t actually done that yet because of Beeks’s surgery — I’m already in the hole at the moment, and don’t need to be dealing with more medical shit I can put off. The condition exists regardless of whether it’s tendonitis, bursitis, or arthritis.
And whatever its official name, it’s been flaring up hella bad lately, and I decided with extreme reluctance to try to avoid computer use this weekend to give my hands a rest. (My wrist braces help, so I’ll be wearing them as much as possible, but I’m in a lot of finger-joint-pain too, and at the moment I have nothing to help with that. I wish-listed some pressure gloves on Amazon, along with a speech-to-text engine, but I think I mentioned how much immediate debt I’m in.)
Yesterday I was foiled by a very busy (and subsequently very computer-intensive) day at work, but today and tomorrow I’m going to look for other shit to do besides working on stories and all the additional eight million things on the computer I have to work on. It would be a perfect time to get some recording done, but I have a cold with a sore throat, because of course I fucking do.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, it is depressing beyond words not to work on stories, and I am very sad right now.
I’ve been considering stepping away from the current HR chapter because it’s taking so long and a break from it might be helpful, and resuming work on that when I get back around to it in the rotation (meaning I would work on ASZz as soon as I’m off this hiatus). Nobody’s reading HR, whereas one person is reading ASZz and another is reading BC (which would come after that), so I think I’m safe to do this.
Meanwhile, wish me luck not being depressed and doing other things. This post is already counterproductively long.
Every once in a while it really does seem like a good idea to make a personal entry around here that isn’t all, “I worked on this and this,” or, “I read such-and-such a book,” or, “Look, I went to Disneyland.” And if I make this as comprehensive as possible, I won’t have to write another one for a while XD So here we go.